There’s not enough CANDY in Portland

I am tired, okay?

When I am tired, I need sugar. Mike + Ikes, shock tarts, skittles, something.

We have a candy machine – but it’s near empty. Savages!

There is nothing – no bodega man with a plastic bin of stale Bazooka gum and gobstoppers. I need!

Where is it hiding? There must be a place! Where is it!?

Am I going to have to resort to doing an order off of Amazon Marketplace!?

I have a problem with this image. Everything is fine, except – well – Hi – who eats Halls as candy? Who? You? You have a PROBLEM. Seriously.