I woke up this morning in a fit of anxiety
I was sweating with stress about the wedding – all the things that could go wrong – all the drama that could ensue. And then next steps – where will I work, what will I do? And then the event in London – never been there – have no sense of direction – have to stay up for 24 hours straight – what if I get lost… what if I oversleep and miss my flight… And then Jaime – her plants are dying back home. She loves those plants. Is she unhappy…
So I went running – ran a couple of miles at a good pace. Felt better – but still, not right.
I took the dogs out and Kojak would not poop. Naturally. But nothing like taking more control from someone who feels completely at loss for control. I wanted to wring his tiny furry neck – but he just looked at me and said “Mom – I just don’t have to poop right now.” Simple.
So I brought them back inside and threatened them that I got word of an accident, they were in big shit. Then I realized that I was 30 min late to work. So I stormed out – fighting back tears.
I know everything will be okay. I know I need to just sit back and take one moment at a time, but I would love SOMETHING to be consistent and stable.
And then I think about the people in Japan and those in the states with relatives in Japan. I can’t process.
I guess it is when we start doubting ourselves that the rug really gets pulled out. We are capable of surviving, of enduring so much more than we would ever think. Trick is to stop back-seat driving and enjoy the ride.
I still feel like I’m gonna cry, though.